Vanderpump Rules Recap: Shi-Shi-Shi-S#*t!
February 6, 2018
Sometimes it’s not all diamonds and rose in Lisa Vanderpump‘s world. Sometimes the fancy parties held in her honor end in tears and the fancy restaurants she owns go up in smoke. Such was the case on last night’s Vanderpump Rules.
Well at least Jax Taylor, errrrr… I mean “Jason” is trying to change his life! HAHAHAHAHA
Lisa is now the Editor In Chief of Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine, which I’d always assumed was one of those free magazines, but because this is Beverly Hills that free magazine still is behooving of the fancy of Beverly Hills. Apparently it’s a thing people pay money for, which means Lisa wants a fancy party to celebrate her new position there. Makes sense. What does not make sense is that Lisa puts Stassi Schroeder in charge of said party. Predictably it’s a disaster.
This whole ‘Stassi Plays Party Planner’ is an absolute joke. First of all, it’s just a quasi-ruse to get Stassi thrown back into the ‘Queen Bee’ struggle at SUR, except no one respects an over-the-hill has-been waitress. She’s like the girl who graduated but college didn’t work out, so she’s now back at high school parties trying to relive her glory days. Also these events are hardly stressful when Lisa has everything pre-planned, so the only thing Stassi’s really doing is assembling the parts – yet failing to be able to even read an instruction manual! It seems easier to throw a SUR party then assemble IKEA furniture.
Stassi is supposed to be working with James Kennedy to establish the music, but professional that she is, instead she quizzes him over the rumors that he and Logan are an item. James is refreshingly and delightfully nonchalant in explaining that although he’s not gay, so what if he hooked up with a guy? Don’t worry – Stassi is NOT bigoted, judgmental or ignorant though!
Stassi’s other imperative task is to staff the party, but she’s only allowed to select from the least desirable candidates at SUR. Most specifically people who really, really can’t stand her. Lisa gives Stassi a list of three names: Ariana Madix, Jax, and Scheana Marie and is like hire these people – I don’t care what you have to do to get them! As if they don’t already work there and are much contractually obligated. Yet still Stassi fails. Ariana actually says NO! Lisa is forced to a have threatening meeting demanding they listen to Stassi as ‘party planner’. Frankly I think Lisa is loving this – she finally has Stassi under her thumb! Unfortunately still no one listens to Staphinfection cause you reap what you sow!
This party mayhem couldn’t have come at a worse time, though, because there was an electrical fire at SUR, put out, incidentally, by Ariana’s brother Jeremy who grabbed a fire extinguisher and kept it from spreading. I guess genius really does run in that family! Jax is disappointed. He was counting on days and days off and finally gaining his freedom from SUR. As if he could torch all those years of his bad behavior there, burning his past to a crisp, and so he could rebirth anew as “Jason.” Again. Baptism by fire is certainly the only way to save Jax!
Instead Lisa just relocated the party, and Jax doesn’t even get a day off. Which is too bad because he scheduled a hair cut and couldn’t possibly miss the appointment. I get it – my hair dresser is ALWAYS booked and I’m not moving that appointment come hell, high water, or Lisa’s wrath. Ergo Jax is an hour late to work the party which is already a fiasco thanks to Stassi’s poor planning skills.
But first I have to back up. Stassi is off her game because Ariana and Lala Kent think she’s a willfully ignorant racist. Despite her new J-O-B, Stassi is still focusing on her societally imperative podcast. It’s a galvanizing juggernaut and the people need her. Stassi will not let us down! Stassi taps Billie Lee, the new hostess at SUR, who happens to be trans, as a guest. Before the interview Ariana and Lala warned Billie to be wary given some of Stassi’s recent racially insensitive comments complaining about people making everything into a political statement. That sounds legit to me, but Stassi and the truth… go together like Jax and the truth.
Billie to her credit confronts Stassi immediately and Stassi, professional that she is, burst into tears and rips her false eyelashes off in a fit of tantrum. Geraldo Rivera, ace reporter, she is not! Stassi is absolutely GOBSMACKED anyone would think she’s intentionally ignorant. Her, never!? We might believe Stassi’s comments were just uninformed and accidental if it were an isolated event, but it’s not.
Also, Stassi, honey there’s this thing called THE INTERNET which has a wealth of information and news! I know Stassi has a GoogleAlert on herself, so why not one on, oh say, Black Lives Matter. Since the incident referenced last night, incident Stassi has also been called out for bragging that her initials are the same as the world’s most notorious hate group and mocking rape victims. To quote the infamous wordsmith of our times Brittney Spears: “Not that innocent.”
Billie was nice about it, though, and went through with the interview to give Stassi some redemption points, but poor, poor Stassi is so hurt over Ariana’s comments that she tattled to Lisa. Lisa, who apparently has never listened to ‘Straight Up With Stassi,’ is appalled that anyone would think such things about her sweet special little snowflake! All Ariana and Lala basically said was that Stassi takes pride in being controversially off the cuff, and sometimes that results in some insultingly ignorant statements.
The problem is Stassi, like Jax all toddlers, thinks she can say whatever she wants for attention and get away it cause she’s cute. Except she’s now 30, and descending the slippery slope into Jax-dom. The best thing is that Stassi believes she’s being very adulting because she didn’t confront Lala and Ariana during Lisa’s party, because her job comes first. A job she really didn’t do very well at all.
Stassi is so disorganized she didn’t even have a bar station designated, so Ariana is in the parking lot mixing pitchers of Pinkie Pumpies (or whatever the f–k) and there is no Jax in sight. Meaning she’s the sole bartender. Lisa is forced to have Max and Pandora get behind the bar until Brittany Cartwright shows up – 30 minutes late (blaming Jax) – can help out. Jax finally waltzes through the door an hour late. With no excuses. Lisa is furious, like legitimately, but Jax don’t care! Cause haircut! Disgusted with his flippant attitude, Lisa kicks him out.
Admittedly I loved Jax last night. He gets wasted during his confessional, takes his shoes off, admits he doesn’t care if SUR burns down, then chips his tooth trying to nonchalantly swig from a beer bottle. Oh Jax – he’s no longer fighted his natural inclinations anymore, is he!? As for Lisa being pissed at him, there’s always a another party in another of her restaurants which would welcome a tardy Jax Taylor, so he walked down the street to SUR to get drunk with Tom 2 and his visiting triplet brothers too.
Yes, the triplets are in town so Tom 1 can give them a makeover and Katie Maloney can put a halo over her flowing locks to perform the role of understanding, loving wife who is OK with CoorsLight Cans for houseguests. I just cannot with any of this malarky from the faux happiness of TomFakie to the Hillbilly Makeover edition including these trendy new doohickies called ‘BoxerBriefs’!
Although according to Kevin Lee it’s Katie who needs the makeover. It’s Lisa’s fault. She tried to hire a cheaper different party planner and her party was a disaster. I don’t know why Kevin was there if he wasn’t in charge of the event, but whatever was in those cocktails (Ariana said they were strong) seriously invigorated his bitchy side because he actually confronted Katie about her “out of control” weight gain.
In the middle of serving canapés to Hollywood types who subsist on bitchified air and vodka sodas with lemon, Kevin stops Katie to ask when she got so big and lecture her about it. COLD, seriously cold. Katie cries to Lisa who responds with shi-shi-shhhhhhhhhh it’s OK, you’re still beautiful… (with about all the conviction of Stassi claiming she doesn’t care what Ariana thinks of her.) Poor Katie!
Kevin is an out of line asshole! Yes, Katie has gained weight, but it’s completely disgusting for him to be commenting on it. Luckily Katie has been on a path to self-acceptance. 8 years ago she fell 25 feet through a skylight and seriously injured her face. She now has a scar, which she’s always appreciated as giving her character and perspective. I’m not gonna discuss Katie, her weight, or anything related to her accident except to say I’m glad she shared her story.
Following the worst party ever, everyone matriculated down the street for James‘ See You Next Tuesday event. Fearing that Kristen is still stalking his Uber receipts, James runs there instead. It was all for naught because Kristen was there anyway. Why? She’s temporarily distracted from torturing James to focus on Jax, though. And Jax seriously hates her guts for secretly inviting Brittany’s family to LA. Jax is now in therapy and reiki, which has helped him recognize that Kristen is the fakest person alive! Even Scheana, who was last week’s fakest person ever, has to remind him that his issues with Brittany are actually HIS fault, not Kristen’s. I mean, at least this time Kristen’s not responsible, because Jax didn’t actually cheat with her! Why is Kristen always in his relationships though?
So, after nearly getting fired and then dumped (again), Jax needs some healing from the hot reiki instructor Kelsey. She really understands him and gets inside his soul, down to the place where he’s not just vulnerable, he’s “Jason” – his good-side doppelgänger. This newest version of Jax (Jaxon?) wants to be his old self again pre-modeling days, or so he tells Kelsey, as she taps on his face and squeezes his legs, and she believes in him. She feels his goodness pulsating inside of him, before the fashion world corrupted him by telling him he wasn’t good enough or pretty enough yet constantly hired him for being pretty. UGH. It is SO hard to be Jax and Stassi… life is cruelly unfair to them, I’ll tell you!
TELL US – SHOULD JAX LEAVE BRITTANY FOR THE HOT REIKI INSTRUCTOR AND REINVENT HIMSELF AS JASON? IS KRISTEN THE FAKEST PERSON AT SUR? IS STASSI IGNORANT?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]