Vanderpump Rules Recap: Brotherhood Of The Traveling Mullet
March 6, 2018
On last night’s Vanderpump Rules, the Toms demonstrated that age is just a number and even when you’re 35, you can still pretend to be 21 with no responsibilities. I guess when you have stunted bartender jobolescence, growing up is hard to do! Even if you have “buishischeness deschisions” to make!
SUR is back in action with a facelift, because Lisa Vanderpump turns raging fires into restaurant redesign, and everything winds up looking a little fresher and sparklier. The new chandelier at SUR has the added benefit of making everyone look younger. Tom and Jax look positively like their first season selves. Too bad all Hollywood ‘facelifts’ don’t turn out so well! This is all a prequel to Tom Tom, which the Toms will get a larger taste of during their ‘work trip’ to Vegas.
Lisa will show Tom 1 and Tom 2 “a day in the life of the Vanderpump regime.” Which is more than just design elements, but showing them what running an actual business looks like. A business which has nothing to do with pretend statement necklace collection, or ‘online beauty blogs’ that get updated once every 3 months. Or at least that’s her plan…
There providing ‘moral support’ are Ariana Madix and Katie Maloney.
Unfortunately the trip falls on Tom 1‘ s birthday weekend, and Jax Taylor will not let his boys celebrate a birthday without his loving touch so he volunteers to “supervise the girls.” Jax is an old man now, so I guess that means he gets to play daddy daycare. And Brittany Cartwright of course, who has to make sure Jax doesn’t get drunk and cheat.
Lala Kent is back in the music studio – this time without James Kennedy or Tom 1′s bleeding trumpet. As you know, Scheana Mariehas a past in the music industry, so she’s like a professional who was also married to a wannabe music producer… And look how well those two things turned out, so you know Scheana is just the perfect person to provide guidance – especially since Lala is taking music “seriously” now! Meaning, no James with keyboards on his couch, but a team of actual professionals.
Lala actually credits James with giving her the confidence to pursue music. Music, which has become her therapy. Lala wrote a song called “For You” for her man. Of course. Unlike her Range Rover or her Chanel, she paid for the recording herself, and once she wins that Grammy, her royalties will be ‘for her’, and she’ll no longer have to reimburse ‘my man’ with The D. As she oh-so eloquently demonstrates what she brings to that relationship! Just when I think money can’t buy you a reality check, Lala sits down with Scheana and suddenly Lala is the most with-it person in the room!
A shot of “jacky-jack” leads to talk about Jax exposing Scheana’s Robsession for what it is. As Scheana rambles about how Jax is a liar because she and Rob actually have a fantasy baby daughter and house in Bel Air, even though he hasn’t even technically agreed to be her boyfriend yet, Lala spells out for Scheana what we’re all thinking: WHO. CARES. And also, y’all have been dating for like 15 minutes so even if you bought another set of “Mrs.” throw pillows they ain’t sitting on Rob’s Big Bear couch just yet! “This is called dating. Getting to know somebody,” lectures Lala, the sudden realist, to Scheana who is on an endless loop of “We’re getting married…” in Rob’s nightmares my dreams. As Lala practically offers to buy Scheana a clue with her future royalties check, Scheana, eyes glazing over to imagine her next crop-top wedding gown, nods vacantly and smiles.
Scheana also recorded a bit for Lala’s song, but Lala cut it because Scheana is “tone-deaf.” Such great irony! Not only can Scheana NOT SING, but she’s also tone deaf in the figurative sense.
Meanwhile Tom 2 prepares for his very first big boy business trip by vowing to avoid “7am benders”. He demonstrates his preparedness by packing only two pair of sweat pants plus an actual pair of shoes! Jax, on the other hand, promises, “Our priorities are drinking first, then business.” But what if there’s too much drinking for business and Tom 1 doesn’t get to test out his biz-cahz look?
To ensure against shenanigans Tom 2 creates a list of self-governing rules he promises to abide by. And Tom 1 repeats over and over to himself a mantra that this is a business trip: “We cannot f–k it up.” Oh, but the foreshadowing is written on the wall.
To impress upon them the good things that will befall them by joining the Vanderpump regime, Lisa and Ken have put the Toms up in a suite that resembles a seventies porn set. The giant swinging chair hanging from the ceiling is all all the better for Tom 2‘s convictions that he will take this WORK trip seriously. Over shots at the pool he explains, “This trip is a mullet: business in the front, party in the back.” Later Brittany will reinforce that point with her outfit. And super grown-up decision-making!
Back in Hollywood, Lala, Scheana, and Billie Lee talk important talks over drinks. Billie Lee is trying to get back together with her ex, but he has issues accepting her former body. And not to make this about Scheana, but EEEEVVVERRRYTHING is about Scheana cause United States Of Scheana Marie, and Scheana knows Rob is perfect since he’s not Shay, so basically the moral of this story is: Scheana knows best that you shouldn’t marry a man for TV when you’re secretly in love with another. Also, Billie’s life is really best explained by Scheana’s love of Rob.
Lala interrupts the Scheana-Spiel to generously provide Stassi Schroeder with some purpose on this show by hiring her to plan a party for her music. My Man By Stassi for Lala. It’s just a business thing, and Stassi is really good at this business thing of throwing parties, apparently. Of course it wouldn’t be a SUR party without DJ James Kennedy whipping out the white Kanye, so he’ll also be performing. But he has to remain SOBER. At an event to celebrate a song written for Lala’s man, even though James is still in love with Lala? Demonstrating what a dysfunctional pudding of everyone else’s boozy backwash this show is, Lala cries that she would “take a bullet for James Kennedy.” These two just need to accept that they’re soulmates. And need more effective ‘music therapy.’
Later Lala warns James that this song is “her baby” and also a gift for her man so James better behave. Shockingly (re: not shocking) “My Man” won’t even be there to celebrate with Lala! But James will be there. Oh, will James be there in all his glory (re: drunk and confessing his love). James needs to borrow Tom 1‘s mantra “Fake professional til you make it!”
Lala and Stassi meet, and no one dies but their outfits come pre-shredded just in case. Now Stassi is the new Kevin Lee – except she won’t call people fat. At least not to their faces. OK, wait, she probably would – but she wouldn’t do that to Katie at least. Even though Lala did do that to Katie…
Anyway, Lala values Stassi’s “badass bitch-status,” and since Lala is ready to “Spread my legs and be the person I am musically” she’s needs to convey that in party form. Which means Jax is probably more qualified to throw this event, although Lisa did insinuate that Stassi was a skank… And yes, more importantly: Lala DID make that Freudian slip when she meant ‘spread my wings.” Classic!
Back in Vegas Brittany wears a mullet dress. With her boobs hanging completely out. It’s like a white trash wedding gown – perfect for taking a pregnancy test in! Brittany keeps throwing up, and it couldn’t possibly be because of the alcohol she’s constantly consuming. Brittany and Jax don’t use birth control other than “pray and spray” method (aka ‘the pull-out’), so she wants to make sure she’s not pregnant before drinking more. I thought Jax was a grown-up now? Like they are literally 16 and Pregnant. I have so many questions: Like, why would you be taking shots and partying if you suspected you were pregnant? Who wears a romper – WITH CAPE – to take a pregnancy test? Who brings a pregnancy test to the bar? Who has unprotected sex with Jax?!
Ariana and Katie are there to witness this train wreck because they they are now friends, bonded by trauma. Ariana marvels at how fun Katie is without the conglomerate of heads that comprises the Three-Headed Shebeast. Katie without Krustassi is a good Katie, indeed!
After a pregnant pause with Jax literally having a mini heart attack, Brittany reveals that she’s NOT PREGNANT, but the look on Jax’s face… Jax swears he’s “10% disappointed” that Brittany isn’t knocked up – then he realizes he’d no longer be the perpetual toddler if he had to be a real dad. Girl run for the Kentucky hills cause this man is NOT interested!
To celebrate this near-miss they all hit the town with a plethora of guidelines to ensure the Toms won’t get too drunk for their 9am meeting with Lisa. First a robot bar where Jax experiences real concern that in the form of a robot Lisa will find a server who is reliable, gets orders correct, doesn’t steal, and doesn’t show up an hour late crying haircut! (or have sex in the bathroom), and there will be no more need for him.
The thought of a robot seizing their only viable means of employment, causes everyone to drink more and drain their bank accounts gambling. Cause adulting! Still, Day 1 is a success at the biz-ness. Even with epic hangovers Tom and Tom make it to their meeting, and are mildly productive at choosing dishes.
Lisa describes Tom Tom as having an”industrial romantic” but masculine vibe. Unlike it’s namesakes Tom or Tom. Who like prissy champagne glasses. To celebrate their first professional-ish sucess, Tom 2 pulls Jello-shots, which match his shirt, from of his pants pocket. WARM JELLO?
Back at the suite, birthday plans are underway for Tom 1. Jax, who sometimes reminds everyone that he has a heart, gives him a guitar. But the icing on the cake – the literal icing on Tom’s cake: A penis with chocolate discharge. Yum!
Lisa’s gift was dinner at Mr. Chow, famous for its duck entree. Katie can’t believe this grown-up man wearing Express for Men slacks, eating at a fancy restaurant, is her husband. Ahhh but he is – laughing at Tom 1‘s incessant duck jokes. “Quack-tastic” – quacks just like Tom and Tom in business! All this successing has Katie and Ariana envisioning futures as “trophy wives.” I thought that was Scheana’s future occupation?
Meanwhile Brittany and Jax are dining at Hooters.
With a self-imposed 3am curfew to ‘duck’ out of the bars to make a 10am (That terrible duck joke is my gift to Tom), the Toms party like the only thing have to miss is a shift at SUR. Even JAX tries to stop them from getting wasted. Jax and Lala being the mature ones… <shudder>
Of course the Toms stay out WAY too late, get WAY too wasted and oversleep. They show up over an hour late for their meeting, smelling of cigarettes and booze, and sipping on a hair of the dog whiskey shot. There was also some Aderall that Tom 2 possibly stole from Stassi to help him stay alert andready to make “buischnezs deschzions” (which is something on Mr. Chow’s menu, not Lisa’s). Lisa is NOT impressed by their buischnezs deschzions, nor their acting like bored children while mommy shops.
They meet at Nick Alain to go over the schematic for the new bar, but Tom and Tom incessantly interrupt with their useless suggestions, until Lisa tells them to “Stop!” like the naughty toddlers they are. They have to sit in time out at the fake display bar, lamenting how they’re not allowed at the grown up table.
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[Photo Credits: Bravo]