Southern Charm Recap: Say It Ain’t Sew!

I’m not sure what Southern Charm is attempting with its new introduction, but it does seamlessly help transition from one episode to the other. We’re still treated to the Charmers starting their day, but if I’m being completely honest, I could have done without a certain aging Lothario slothing around in his bathrobe and making googley eyes at his latest contender for child bride.

Thomas Ravenel and new lady Ashley are cuddling in bed as he praises her for having a “real woman’s heart”…whatever that means. Across town, Patricia Altschul calls Cameran Eubanks to discuss a co-ed baby shower. Pat and Cam bond over uncomfortable pregnancies, Cameran promises to provide a guest list. Patricia interrupts to say that since she’s hosting, she’ll compile the guest list. At Kathryn Dennis’ new apartment, the young mom is playing with Kensie and Saint. Only getting her kids every other weekend, Kathryn focuses on spending all of her time bonding with her toddlers. Kensie is an attentive big sister, ordering Saint around like it’s her job, and it will be for the rest of her life. My younger brother would say the same!

T-Rav is fixing breakfast in bed for Ashley, and he jokes to the camera that he should probably sneak some Plan-B into the scramble. Delivering breakfast, he asks Ashley about the state of her personal, ovarian housed eggs. They don’t call him the “Impregnator” for nothing. Is that what “they” call him? He wonders if she’s ever had a pregnancy scare. Funny he should mention it! Ashley reveals that her renewed bleeding in their shared bathroom visit at Shep Rose’s party allowed her to breathe easy for a second. Thanks Bravo. As the mic records her telling T-Rav of her strange, early period, I find myself wishing that they were having sex on the counter or eating VPP (Vanderpump pasta) off the toilet seat. That’s a way better visual than Thomas handing her a tampon. {shudder}. Ashley blushes, chatting about the app on her phone that tracks her fertility. Is that too much information? T-Rav grimaces…not at all. He’s familiar with the term menstruation, he just doesn’t know how to navigate it. Ashley admits that if she got pregnant, it would be a blessing, but she has no intentions of being a single mom. She thinks a surprise bun in the oven can be a great addition to a good relationship but detrimental to a bad one. Hey guys…ever hear of a condom? The duo purrs as she raps about wanting to marry and have babies with Thomas, and Thomas slurs “fade to black” before diving back under the duvet. I really want the Countess to come out and start singing over her. How awesome would that have been?

Cameran is hanging out at her house with the neighbor’s dog Elvis who is almost as famous as Gizmo now. Cameran has done zero preparation or studying about childbirth, but she’s practicing with a coach…and Whitney Sudler-Smith. Cameran’s biggest fear is maj vaj damage. The coach reminds her that women have been giving birth for centuries. Whitney reminds Cameran she can get an epidermis. I mean, an epidermal. Oh wait, epidural. Cameran hasn’t decided if she’s going to go the natural route, and the coach leads her through some exercises to prepare her body. The squats commence. The doggy style hip tilting ensues. When the coach asks how it feels, Cameran jokes that she feels like she’s being handled by a pervert. Hold up. This isn’t last season’s Whitney. He’s calm, cool, and less creepy as he asks about the upcoming shower. He cites the attire will likely be WASPy caftans circa 1974, so forget what I wrote in that last sentence. Cameran hints that she’d really like to see the entire gang in attendance, but Whitney doubts Ms. Pat would allow the Duchess of Goose Creek to darken her doorstep.

Austen Kroll grabs a beer with Craig Conover at Fuel. He recalls his old beer distributor days when he was pals with all the bartenders which equaled low key famous. Discussing Craig’s singledom, Austen is excited to have a new wing man. Craig emphasizes that he isn’t ready to jump back into the single scene. It’s not like he had some dumpy girlfriend and is ready to start bedding nines. Naomie Olindo was hot. He shares he’s so not over the break-up to the point he wishes he was gay to avoid putting himself back into the game. As Austen wants to further explore the meaning behind Craig’s joke, Shep arrives because his beer sniffing snout smelled his brethren day drinking and honed in on their whereabouts. While Shep usually lives to put Craig through the ringer, he’s sympathetic to his friends feelings Naomie.

Chelsea Meissner joins Cameran on a trip to get a three dimensional ultrasound. Chelsea adores having seen her friend through all of life’s greatest events before Cameran unleashes her very tan bump. Chelsea revels in seeing the movement in Cameran’s belly, and Chelsea gets teary at the sight of her bestie’s baby on the monitor. Cameran has yet to cry and she teases that Chelsea’s emotion is making her feel like she has a cold, dead heart. Cameran seems to be holding back when it comes to showing her true feelings which is what has made her ripe for narrating her co-stars lives the past several seasons while showing nary a piece of hers. Chelsea reveals that seeing Austen at Shep’s party was a bit difficult. They had such a strong friendship, and she misses that after dipping their toes into the bedroom pond. Chelsea adores Austen, but she can’t stand his newfound reality star lifestyle. He likes to party all night and sleep all day. Basically he’s the younger, less mailbox money version of Shep. Austen enjoys funemployment, but he recognizes he doesn’t have the means to maintain this lifestyle forever. He is passionate about beer, but he got tired of selling other people’s brews. He’s ready to branch out on his own.

T-Rav calls his father who is out on an excursion. Thomas tells his dad that he’s putting Ashley up in some swanky apartment, but Arthur isn’t upset. He likes Ashley, so the drain on the bank account is well worth it. Speaking of the anti-Ashley (although I mean that in a good way, which is a hard thing for a former Kathryn detractor to type), Kathryn heads to Craig’s new house for a tour. He’s transformed one room into a giant closet which he plans to morph into a sewing room. Craig believes pillow producing is his purpose. More so than gardening, Craig’s passion is monogramming. The pair dishes on Cameran’s upcoming shower, and I have to hand it to Cameran for giving Kathryn a head’s up about the guest list. Kathryn isn’t surprised to be left out, but she appreciates Cameran’s call. Craig changes the subject to T-Rav’s latest hopeless romantic, Ashley. Kathryn isn’t buying what the new girl is selling. She drops the bomb on Craig that she and T-Rav hooked up after last season’s reunion. Wait, what?? That’s some dirt, girl!

Ms. Pat is hosting a lavish fete to welcome baby Palmer into the world. As she makes her way down the grand staircase in her home, she announces, “RuPaul, eat your heart out!” The theme is based on a photographer who was revered in Miami’s hip high society in the early 1960’s, and I shudder remembering the last baby shower I attended where we tried to guess how big around the mother-to-be was. Give me Delano over diapers when it comes to this pregnancy ritual. The crew preps for the festivities as Craig curses the teddy bear pattern he’s trying to replicate. Naomie is glamming with her new roommate and gay-bey who I love already for sporting a metallic face mask while testing uppity belts.

Chelsea is the first to arrive at the shower, followed by T-Rav and Ashley. Ashley tells Pat she’s channeling her inner Jackie O., and I threw up a bit in my mouth. The men are wearing drugged out Easter jackets, and Ashley feigns embarrassment as Thomas shows off her ass to the guests. Craig missed the seizure-inducing lounge wear memo, opting instead for what Southern parents put boys in that are too old for smocked bubbles but too young to protest to Laura Ashley button downs. His socks are amazing. Patricia smirks that Craig would have made a fine lawyer, but she hears he’s handy with a Singer so it’s all good. Craig, who once annoyed me, is quickly becoming my favorite. Butler Michael announces Shep’s arrival as Cameran labels the event beyond fabulous. That’s high praise given that T-Rav is wandering around as if he just walked off the polo practice field. Chelsea and Naomie hate that Kathryn was shunned from the shindig, but having recently found her voice, Naomie plans to reconcile the subject with Patricia. Chelsea supports her decision, so Naomie decides to pull aside Patricia to speak her truth. Halfway through her first sentence, Patricia shuts down Naomie with the pretend arrival of a non-existent guest.

Patricia sidles up next to Cameran on the sofa as Whitney presents a cake with a baby breaking its way out of its mother’s lady parts. The drop-out debutante is in hog heaven. Naomie approaches Craig to rehash her social faux pas with Patricia. He graces her with sound, unbiased advice about staying true to herself. In the next room, Cameran opens a gift that has Craig’s favorite font embroidered all over it. Instead of talking comfort in Craig’s words, Naomie challenges her ex, asking how he plans to better himself post-break-up. She wants to know why he’s doing better in the last two months than he did in the three years they were together. Craig points out her loaded question. He feels like Naomie is calling him a loser. The once sweet conversation turns quickly into a screaming match where Naomie chastises him for sewing. Naomie storms out as the crew cackles at Craig’s attempt to build-a-bear.

J.D. Madison and Liz grace the charmers with their presence–better late than never, but the shock is their united front. Naomie immediately forgets her tiff with Craig to focus on how fake their appearance together is. She hugs Liz with the knowledge that J.D. is reveling in the fact that he’s won out over her where Liz is concerned. As quickly as they arrive, Liz and J.D. are out the door again, with Liz belittling Naomie for her icy behavior. Naomie sends the couple off with a sharp middle finger. Is is just me, or did Bravo used to blur the bird?

TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? HOW OVER THE TOP WAS THAT SHOWER? SHOULD KATHRYN HAVE BEEN INCLUDED?

[Photo Credit: Bravo]

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