Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Holidazed And Confused

There are some scenes from Real Housewives of New York that have become so iconic over the years, we practically have them memorized – Bethenny Frankel screaming “GO TO SLEEP!” on Scary Island, the infamous Brooklyn Bridge Beatdown, Dorinda Medley’s Clip! Clip! tirade in the Bronx, and Luann de Lesseps falling in those Mexican bushes. But this week gave us our newest save-to-permanent-file moment: Ramona Singer on a Manhattan street reading Bethenny for filth. Now, I don’t know if Martin Scorsese is really watching Vanderpump Rules like Lala says, but he might have shot this scene. Seriously: It. Is. EVERYTHING.

Before we take to the streets, we must revisit the murder mystery Berkshires dinner at which Bethenny and Carole Radziwill are tearing into one another. There’s so much talking and half-running away and coming back again, it’s impossible to capture every moment. But here’s the gist: Bethenny called Adam “an operator” and Luann “a loser.” Carole claims she never knew about the Houston incident, specifically, but did know that Bethenny always thought Adam was a little shifty. It turns out, so does Luann! She’s still holding on to the fact that Adam left her niece for Carole three years ago – in the Countess’s pure white kitchen of all places!! <clutches pearls>

Luann stops defending Bethenny once she hears about this new “loser” status of hers, though. She’s all, “ME? A LOSER? Well – I NEVER!” Lu can barely stomach the thought of being cast into the same status as, say, her ex-husband Tom – who is certainly the loser-iest loser who ever graced this show. Well, him and that pirate, maybe. Bethenny doesn’t remember calling anyone a loser, even though Carole calmly reminds her that she sure did. And that certain “anyone” is sitting right next to her at the dinner table and has suddenly stopped speaking in a French accent. “If I’m a loser, the rest of the world’s f**ked!” proclaims Luann.

Carole is also bitter about Bethenny not supporting her during the marathon. Finally, Bethenny just pulls her signature move, shouting, “I’m DONE!” But Carole isn’t letting her get away that easily. She asks whether Beth thinks it’s okay to just say her piece and then leave? Bethenny is shocked. Dorinda wants to make it nice, but her words about everyone “loving each other” fall flat.

“This is ridiculous!” screams Bethenny at Carole, who gets up to leave the table. “How old are you? I know you want to be 45, but don’t act like you’re seven!” WHOA. SHOTS FIRED! I don’t even know what to say here. It appears Bethenny is incensed that Carole would trot out her calling Luann a loser to stir the pot with the group when the issue really lies between the two of them. In classic form, Bethenny finally shouts that yeah, she’s thought Luann was a loser many times, but hey – she doesn’t know if she said it. OMG!

Then in a moment of pure LU-nacy, the Countess pops up to face off with Bethenny, but immediately gets distracted when she’s told there’s lipstick on her face. “Oh whatever!” she chirps. Who cares what Bethenny thinks of her? This is the woman who has called Luann much worse than a loser in the past, after all. And this is also why Luann is the MVP of Housewives – she might fall into the damn bushes, but she bounces right back up. She’s like the very tall UES equivalent of a weeble wobble. Don’t even try to knock her ass down.

But Bethenny is not taking her own punches very well, and when Carole finally walks out, she tries to make speeches about how betrayed she feels. Carole knows there is no arguing with Bethenny because she never wants to admit being less than perfect. Yep. But to be fair, Carole also isn’t acknowledging how bringing up the Luann comment derailed things even further. As for Luann, she has zero f**ks to give because she’s busy sashaying in the corner with her feathers and stripes.

Special Alert: WE ARE ONLY NINE MINUTES INTO THIS EPISODE! Holy mother of god this is intense, y’all.

Ramona is loving every minute of it though, at least that’s what Bethenny thinks. Meanwhile, Dorinda comes traipsing out with a birthday cake while SINGING TO HERSELF, then plants her face directly in the cake with the candles still lit. Who cares if her bangs are burnt right off? When Dorinda gets drunk, she likes to stab herself and light her head on fire! Much like the rest of us during that dinner argument. At least it changes the mood, which only the RHONY ladies can do on a dime because – and I repeat – this is the most batsh*t Housewives cast in existence. I heart them.

Everyone smashes cake in their faces and hugs, then cheers “YOU MADE IT NICE!” for the birthday girl before launching into a full-on dance party (which had better be accompanied by Luann’s alleged Pandora station). Cut to Bethenny half-naked, trying to wedge herself into an elf costume upstairs. Dorinda busts in on her trying to hide the Santa costume she brought along, but as we all know, DORINDA OWNS SANTA! She plans on going commando in that bad boy whether Bethenny says so or not.

While Santa heads over to talk to Carole about the argument, her Elf walks in on them, wondering why all of these side conversations are going on. Dorinda peaces out to leave Carole and Bethenny to talk it out alone. But it doesn’t go anywhere – at least not when Bethenny accuses Carole of basically becoming a narcissistic twat who’s only into her “hair and fashion and Tinsley [Mortimer] and selfies.” Carole can’t believe what she’s hearing, considering Bethenny is the queen of Instagram self-promotion. But again, it’s not about any of this drivel. It’s much deeper. Bethenny knows she’s been out of touch, but sometimes friends just grow apart – especially during this past year of breakups and charity work and marathons, etc…”I feel like it was at a ten and I want to bring it down to a seven,” cries Bethenny. Carole agrees, hoping this whole beef can be squashed by the next day. Hmm. We’ll see.

Feeling NO pain downstairs, the rest of the gang pile on to Dorinda’s purple sofa, reveling in the fact that they aren’t in the middle of a fight. It’s a rare Berkshires miracle.

The next morning, Sonja Morgan and Luann find themselves in bed together while Bethenny tries to piece together the night before. “We are some tough b*tches,” cheers Dorinda, who would for sure live through an all-female version of The Hangover any night of the week. While Sonja shows Dorinda iPhone evidence of her *not* destroying any property, Carole and Bethenny hug goodbye, seemingly on better terms. Dorinda closes the door behind the last of her guests leaving, just happy no one ripped her sconces down or lit a non-working fireplace this year.

Back in the city, Sonja is stepping over dried dog feces to discuss her sex life with contractors. Yes, this is happening. Across town later, Bethenny is throwing her annual Christmas party, at which Sonja has ditched her stained rags for a hot little black dress. Tinsley, Dorinda, and Luann arrive next to chat about Lu’s latest charity venture (a blood drive). Beth couldn’t go, but donated. Hmm. Kinda like Carole did with her charity? Carole arrives, still apparently upset about the Berkshires.

The group does a white elephant gift trade in which Ramona’s re-gifting is put on blast. But it’s Dorinda’s gift to Bethenny that really takes the cake. She ordered Bethenny the life-sized nutcracker she’d wanted for Brynn, but couldn’t find. “You saved Christmas!” cheers Bethenny, without ever explicitly thanking Dorinda for the huge gesture. Carole notices the irony of Bethenny calling out Tinsley for not showing gratitude is now being pretty ungracious herself. Awkward.

But it gets even more awkward when Ramona talks about her upcoming anti-aging skincare line and Beth jumps all over her. The shared cringe that ripples throughout the group is palpable. Bethenny practically tattoos Skinnygirl on her face, yet acts like anyone else mentioning their business idea is a cheap promo. C’mon, girl. Be cool. Don’t be all uncool.

There’s no coolness in sight for the B though because next, she lets it slip that Tom D’Agostino has some new “busted up girlfriend.” Luann looks shocked, Ramona shoots Bethenny a look that is trying to shut her up but translates more along the lines of “My corneas have frozen my eyelids open.”

Lu plans on visiting her brother near Palm Beach over the holidays, which will be her first time back there since her wedding to Tom one year prior. We all know what’s coming next…and it ain’t good. And neither is Bethenny’s comment, which even she realizes. Luann thinks Tom should be living under a rock, not parading around with another chick. “Really dude?” Lu comments in her interview. “Lay low, dick.”

We cut briefly to Luann’s blood drive, at which she can’t even give blood because of her trip to Mexico last year. But everyone who didn’t attend that sh*tshow can! So all is not lost. Bethenny’s assistant delivers $1,000 in cash cards to distribute for relief, which sends Sonja’s eyes practically rolling back in her head. When Carole arrives, Sonja decides it’s her turn to stir the poop. She asks if Carole is sad because “everyone” has been wondering. And by “everyone,” she means Bethenny – which Ramona of course explicitly tells her later on.

When Dorinda shows up, talk turns to Nutcracker-gate, which has her slightly irked. It would have been nice to get a shout out from Bethenny for her efforts, she says, but eh. What can you do? Meanwhile, Carole is empathizing with Ramona getting shut down by Bethenny when she brought up her skincare line. Dorinda wonders why they’ve all allowed Bethenny to talk to them with such disrespect for so long without hitting back? This behavior will not go unchecked anymore, the group seems to agree. And so begins the second half of season 10: THE ENTIRE CAST versus Bethenny Frankel. Oh, it’s on.

Thus it is that we finally arrive on the street with Ramona and her dog, who will star in the Lifetime movie which will come to be known one day as Ramona Finds Her Words. Bethenny calls to accuse Ramona of getting off on this fight she and Carole are having, which Ramona denies (but c’mon…she does enjoy it a little bit, right?). But it’s when Beth then accuses her of not supporting women that the Ramonacoaster goes COMPLETELY off the rails. And I’m not gonna lie, it’s weirdly awesome.

Ramona bites back that Bethenny is the one who doesn’t support women. She makes fun of Ramona’s “infomercial” at her Christmas party, not realizing that her own existence has been one long infomercial ever since she returned to the show. She talks about Carole being a sad-sack as soon as she leaves her party. She calls everyone out on their bad behavior, while never accepting (or apologizing for) her own. And she shows no gratitude to Dorinda for an extravagant gift. “How do you have the AUDACITY to talk to me how you talk to me?!?” shouts Ramona as the camera dramatically pans in and out.

“You put everybody down to make yourself look good,” continues Ramona while her dog stands in the street, willing itself to be whisked away by a non-screaming owner. Then she promptly hangs up on Bethenny after shutting down any attempt at a comeback, walking off into the sunset. OMG. Annnnnd scene.

Not to be upstaged by that iconic moment, Luann shows us her new furnished penthouse next. Which is quickly followed by a flash-forward to the night of Luann’s Palm Beach arrest, captured on police cameras in the back of the car they loaded her into. She resists arrest, drunkenly asking what she did wrong (and threatening to kill them afterward). Then we see footage of her mugshot, and finally, her initial court date in which the judge advises, “I don’t know if you have a drinking problem. But stop drinking.” The countess nods her head solemnly, and we all know this moment will change everything. Get ready for RHONY 2018, which is going to be even bigger and better than 2017. How that’s possible, only the Bravo gods know.

Wow. As Housewives superfan Michael Rapaport would say, this is a goddamned standing ovation episode. Boom!

TELL US: WHERE DO WE EVEN START TO BREAK THIS EPISODE DOWN?!?!?

Photo Credit: Bravo

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