Real Housewives Of Atlanta Recap: Dating Mr. Messy
January 29, 2018
What did Cynthia Bailey ever do to anybody? Other than be too much of a push over? Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta was unbelievably messy and the poor unwitting target was Cynthia.
Attacking Cynthia is like smacking a bunny. Leave the girl alone to date and learn some tough-love lessons about getting played. Instead of bopping her on the head, her friends should pet her ever-changing wigs and tell her it will be OK. Clearly Cynthia habitually picks the WRONG men, and trying to teach her how to spot a scrub is not working. Even when she has a bonafide expert like Kandi Burruss at her disposal!
The story of Will, and Cynthia’s ‘friends’ protecting her from the evil, lying, user, is essentially a lower-stakes repeat of her wedding day to Peter Thomas. Back then it was Cynthia’s mom and sister trying to do anything to make her see sense. It didn’t work then, and it won’t work now to have Eva Marcille finally make her debut only to stage a confrontation with Will about how he’s hiding a top-secret, beautiful girlfriend who’s also wonderful with children.
Cynthia is STILL in denial, ladies. Cynthia obviously likes denial! The real question is, why does Eva – a woman who does not know Cynthia or Will – care? Is she just benevolently trying to help out a fellow woman? Or is she just trying to help herself gain some traction on TeeVee? (I’m voting for the latter)
NeNe Leakes introduces Eva. We’re supposed to believe they’re pals from L.A. and Eva has just moved to town for her ‘relationship’ with Michael Sterling, who is running for Mayor Of Atlanta (Spoiler Alert: He didn’t win, but it seems like he plans to run again. He’s also since proposed to Eva!). I’m not sure how politics and Real Housewives mesh, but I would love to find out!
Eva claims she doesn’t like kicking up dust and getting her polo boots dirty, but she will stomp out drama. Spoiler alert: Eva loves being knee-deep in the shit. NeNe’s cackle tells us all we need to know about the direction of her friendship with Eva.
The other thing that happened is, we learned Kenya Moore‘s marriage sounds like the future plot of a thriller where the amazing, hot, successful, too good to be true husband turns out to be some sort of controlling nightmare. I do believe Julia Roberts, Jennifer Lopez, Angela Bassett, and many other A-listers have starred in such movies, so maybe it’s Kenya’s plan to use ‘her story’ as material for a future production which will create revitalize her career.
Question Marc has no interest in living in Atlanta with Kenya and her dog-children, although she’s doing all she can to entice him. Including purchasing $7,000 worth of exercise equipment and setting up a home gym in Moore Manor’s flooded basement. Celebrities: they’re just like us!
Kenya brings her cousin Che gym shopping, and a shocked Che is forced to listen to Kenya’s travails of wifely duties. On the cult compound. When Question Marc visits, Kenya likes to keep him locked in the house so she can react immediately to his every whim – feed him, clean up after him, pet him, walk him, wash him (and his clothes), and if needed take him to the vet – all with a cheerful, enticing, and sexy smile on her face. How does he manage in NYC while she’s ‘working’ in Atlanta?
Kenya seems to believe ‘Stepford Wives’ is an actual how-to manual, and is having difficultly juggling the astounding responsibilities of pet ownership with Marc ownership. It’s because Marc is an “alpha male,” which is code word for “controlling douche bag” and “no wonder he was still single,” who expects Kenya not only to dote on his every whim, but be a constantly available sexbot who is always happy, excited, and ecstatic by everything he suggests and never, ever complains or questions him, all while maintaining a perfect home with dinner on the table by 6PM. Kenya, 1950 was over 70 years ago, but I guess about the time you started your search for a huzzzzzband. With all that Marc requires, Kenya can’t imagine how she’ll cope with a baby in the mix – and Marc’s is demanding NO NANNIES.
Porsha Williams is no longer a baby vegan, now she’s a full-fledged convert spreading the plant-based love to her new, health-conscious bestie Kim Zolciak. Apparently Kim has been vegetarian “her whole life.” Really now? Kim made Kroy drive her over to Porsha’s for a cooking lesson with a vegan chef who was just adorable and professional. While Kim made Kroy wait in the car (why not just get a job with Uber already, buddy!), she brought her red solo cup inside to check things out. Is Solo Cup Kim’s new imaginary friend? Does she think that accessory is ever gonna happen? Why is she dragging poor that poor thing everywhere? Other people own glassware. Or maybe there’s some secret brew inside.
Kim obviously isn’t there for the butternut squash soup, she’s there for the tea from Houston about how badly Kenya behaved. Porsha does not disappoint when revealing how “Old Kenya” came out and was “so mean” to Cynthia and Shamea Morton. Perhaps Kenya’s weekly dose of Marc’s dick-quilizer wore off, and she can only keep the Krayonce squashed for so long? Kim’s opinion is that Kenya is cracking under the stress of hiding a fake marriage.
I don’t like Kim one bit, but she and Porsha are pretty hilarious together – especially their impersonations of Cynthia trying to console a bitchy Kenya. Hey, when you’re vegan, you gotta pick bones somewhere!
Ermmm… no, Kandi, you should not use your Essence event to prove something to Porsha!
And speaking of picking bones, Kandi will forever have one to pick with Porsha. Instead of ignoring Porsha, she’s doing this weird passive-aggressive non-confrontation thing.
Kandi decides to throw a party to celebrate her Essence cover, but the entire planning meeting is about why Kandi wants to invite Porsha to ‘show her what success looks like.’ DonJuan worries that Porsha will get the wrong idea.
Meanwhile, Cynthia is ‘defining’ her relationship with Will. She wants to date around a bit, but he’s pressing her to get exclusive. Cynthia’s resolve is waning because Will seems like the total package and she can’t believe she found him on the wonderful world of Tinder. Isn’t Fifty Cyn old enough to know that if it seems too good to be true, it probably is? Being pretty seems to have stunted Cynthia’s emotional development. Instead Cynthia made the disastrous mistake of inviting Will as her date to Kandi’s party. And NeNe made the fortuitous decision to bring Eva as her ‘date’.
By the time Kandi’s party rolled around, I wasn’t expecting any good to come of her great accomplishment. And the party was a war zone.
Porsha came with Shamea, and Kandi had DonJuan acting like a body guard, peeping out the window and announcing on the walkie-talkie, WARNING: EVIL IS IN THE BUILDING. GET THE SHADE SHIELDS UP. Porsha seemed scared about why she was invited and cowered on the sofa until Shamea made her say an awkward hello. Also Kim was there. Why? Wigs & Cigs planned to ignore Kenya and NeNe. Which worked out because NeNe has a plan to ignore Kim and Sheree Whitfield. Sheree wore jeans like she didn’t understand what type of event this was.
I don’t understand what kind of event this was either – it was supposed to be about celebrating Kandi, but it was all about everyone else! Todd even made his speech to Kandi all about how she has risen above people (ahem, Porsha and Kim) who tried to drag her down. Then Kandi got up and echoed the same ‘look at me now losers!’ memo. Kim is confused – she thought giving Kandi partial credit and payment for Don’t Be Tardy only elevated her career?!
More importantly, Eva had news. On the way to the party she told NeNe that she knows Will. In fact, Eva met him two months ago at a mayoral fundraiser which Will attended with a woman he introduced as his ‘girlfriend’. This is significant because around that same time Will started seeing Cynthia. Meanwhile at the party, Will tells Cynthia he’s been single for about “2.5 years”.
As Cynthia is basking in his attention, Eva is running around informing everyone that she recently met his girlfriend. A girlfriend who is also very close with Will’s daughter. Surprise, Surprise – Kandi’s friend Carmon also heard ‘on the streets’ that he has a lady. Something has to be done! A plan is hatched to tell Cynthia that Will is playing her. Which is so sad, because the only thing Fifty Cyn doesn’t want to happen in her life is to get played. Again.
Kenya apparently decides that being a married woman now gives her jurisdiction over how relationships work and she seizes the opportunity to run to Cynthia to warn her about the gossip. NeNe is annoyed – SHE was the one who brought this gossip to the party, and Kenya is not going to be the one taking the credit. Before NeNe can even get there, Kenya has already made her way to Will to warn him too. A distressed Cynthia asks Will directly and he insists it’s a lie – but then out comes Eva to make a mess into downright hazmat!
Once Eva confronts Will it’s pretty obvious he’s fibbing. He makes it seem like he was ‘casually dating’ this woman, but broke up with her about the time he started ‘casually dating’ Cynthia. Except he’s tripping over his words and accounts and becomes very agitated. Eva has receipts from the evening on her phone and insists she has no reason to lie.
Kenya and NeNe back Eva’s tale because this is for Cynthia’s own good! Cynthia sputters through trying to press him for details like why this woman knows his child, but looks like she’s trying not to cry. After it’s clear he can’t squirm his way out, Will just walks away, leaving Cynthia standing there heart-broken and crestfallen to defend her latest bad relationship.
Just when Cynthia thinks it couldn’t possibly get worse, Porsha comes over to see what’s wrong. Cynthia insists she wants to know any and all information compromising Will, so in that case Porsha happens to know something too! Something to be continued… Does anyone believe anything Porsha says after last year? Time will tell! And so will Mama Joyce, who informs Porsha that she needs to clear her schedule for a meeting with the Big Mama.
Also, in the middle of all this mayhem, in rolled Peachter, Peachter Bank Account Eater. He had to size up his competition in Will, but he bounced immediately. Even though Todd tried to pry him back inside. Deciding not to blow-up Cynthia’s date is about the only honorable think Peter has ever done on this show.
TELL US – SHOULD EVERYONE STAY OUT OF CYNTHIA’S RELATIONSHIP, OR ARE THEY BEING GOOD FRIENDS? IS SOMETHING WEIRD ABOUT KENYA’S HUSBAND?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]