Real Housewives of New York Recap: War And P.O.S.

It used to be the Berkshires where The Real Housewives of New York collectively lost their effin’ minds. But Dorinda Medley has backed that sh*t up and backed it up real fast – all the way to the first trip of the year in the Hamptons. The scene of the crime: Luann de Lesseps’ white-on-white dining area. The accused: Sonja T. Morgan. The witnesses: Ramona Singer and some other random chick whose name I think might be Mary and who looks ready to die of television-related embarrassment.

Since we were last upon the scene, Dorinda’s face has gone from fuchsia to full-on fire engine red and spittle has gathered in the corners of her mouth. Essentially, Dorinda is frothing. As she rails at Sonja for her lies, hurling bombshells about her failed marriage straight in her face, Sonja emotionally goes blank. Like, scary blank. She sips her veggies, shrugs her shoulders, and heads straight to her imaginary happy land – which is likely somewhere that exists circa 2002 in Southern France. Even Ramona screaming, “YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE!” after Dorinda storms out of the room doesn’t phase Sonja. Dude. She’s in the sunken place.

“I’m not going to a dinner with her tonight!” announces Dorinda, who continues to hurl accusations at Sonja about her cheating on her ex-husband. Ramona reminds Sonja that she is a wee bit off her rocker lately, so maybe just say sorry, mmmkay? Sonja isn’t budging though. “She started it,” she whines. At least Dorinda apologizes to Luann for ruining brunch, although Lu frankly just seems relieved no one is yelling at her this time. Hey – it’s finally not about Tom!

Post-brunch in Bridgehampton, Bethenny Frankel is showing Tinsley Mortimer and Carole Radziwill her new investment property. She bought a $2 million 8-bedroom historical home she plans to renovate for $300k and rent out. Ramona has already thrown massive shade at the wrong-side-of-the-highway joint, but Carole and Tinsley can see Bethenny’s vision. No sooner do they take the tour, however, before Dorinda calls Carole to fill her in on her brawl with Sonja. Carole and Tinsley think Sonja is ready for institutionalization, but Bethenny kinda gets Sonja’s point. Her own divorce has been a freaking nightmare, after all.

Later on, Ramona is talking business with Dorinda in the bathroom while Tinsley and Carole are at their hotel thinking of excuses not to attend Ramona’s party. I can’t even describe what Ramona is wearing to host her party, but here’s the gist: Picture someone ripping one sleeve off of a rodeo clown. There you have it. Kirk, Ramona’s special “friend” and party planner, is already on the scene mashing potatoes. Apparently he’s a Kirk of all trades. (Hey – does he hang TVs? In SEVEN MINUTES? #RobGoals)

As the group assembles, Tinsley notices that the party thrown expressly for Carole seems to include mostly Ramona’s random friends. Then OH MY GOD! Dennis Shields shows his face for the first time on RHONY!!! Wearing a Gucci sweater that reads “LOVED” on the back in Bert and Ernie red & yellow, Bethenny’s on & off again boyfriend certainly makes a statement. And that statement is: I am a very confused person. But who the f**k cares? Because, you guys, these women got dressed in the damn dark. Carole is in a head-to-toe tattooed body suit, Luann is in hot pink/purple feathers, Sonja is donning some sort of flapper gear, Tinsley has a bow larger than a new car ribbon tied around her neck, and Bethenny is wearing my grandma’s bedspread. So I guess…you do you, Dennis! As Bethenny says, “Sonja looks like half a whore and she’s the best of all of us.”

Dorinda immediately gets busy stoking the fires between Tinsley and Sonja so as to get another soldier in her army. And so far, it’s working. By the time dinner is served, Tinsley is so hopping mad at her former captor roommate, she’s nearly ready to go right past the appetizer, straight to confrontation. At least she lets Ramona make a quick toast to Carole first. And there’s a bit of time for Dorinda to flirt with Dennis too, saying he reminds her of her late husband, Richard.

Bethenny notes something interesting here: Dorinda harkens back to her time with Richard a lot, bringing him up almost constantly. But Sonja almost never talks about her ex-husband specifically; she misses the lifestyle more. In any case, both of them have suffered a loss, although different kinds. But Dorinda doesn’t see it that way.

Then we see a moment of (pretend?) amnesia from Luann, who acts like she never heard of this mysterious Dennis Shields before in her entire life. She’s all, “So, Dennis, how did you meet Bethenny?” Flashback to reunions of of yesteryear in which Luann railed against Beth for dating a married man. Bethenny is like, ummmm WTF crazy lady?

When pressed that she certainly DOES know the history of Dennis and Bethenny in full Page Six detail, Lu just shrugs. Her feathers – literally – do not ruffle. Even when she happily chirps, “Oh – sorry, Dennis. So sorry!” at Bethenny’s command.

While Luann just sashays through that awkwardness, Sonja starts blathering on about Rocco. “You’re not dating Rocco,” interrupts Dorinda, who is ready to pounce. “Liar, liar, HO ON FIRE!” Dorinda taunts, which is the perfect setup for Tinsley to make her move.

So – on to the inevitable Tinsley/Sonja disaster! Tinsley asks: Does Sonja really think she’s a kept woman? And that she didn’t buy her that gift card with her own money?!? Sonja just coyly evades, claiming she has no idea where Tinsley doesn’t get her money. But is it maybe – Sonja sing-song asks – “Mommy???…Scotty???”

“Shut your mouth and shut your f**king legs!” shouts Tinsley, practically stomping her footbefore writing out a check to Sonja to repay her for all of her gracious home-sharing. But Bethenny stops Tinsley’s check-mate before it can happen by setting the actual check ON FIRE. Omg. And this is why I love RHONY, folks. Immediately after the check is burnt in effigy, everyone just busts out into a congratulatory song for Carole as a huge cake enters the room. My head is spinning with the sheer pacing of this drama/comedy. And it’s delightful.

As Carole sulks about her cake and party not being “special” enough, Sonja takes Dorinda into the kitchen to clear the air. She wants them to be close again, she wants her hormones back, she’s juicing, she’s coming off of anti-depressants, she really did go to Costa Rica to detox – REALLY! Bottom line: This broad is spiraling. Dorinda doesn’t want to see Sonja cry, but she also knows that her explanation could potentially continue until 2019, so she just tells Sonja it’s okay, to go home and get some rest, and they’ll figure it out later.

Sonja seems confused, yet pacified. Which is basically her constant state of mind after any altercation. You know, Sonja is batsh*t cray-cray, but seeing her crack after a stone-cold Slurinda beatdown is like watching a puppy get kicked. I oddly can’t handle it. Oh, Sonja. Why can’t I quit you?!?

The next day, Dorinda and Ramona are processing the night before. Apparently, Ramona has come around on John, which pleases Dorinda. What doesn’t please her is John’s desire to move in – ever. Outside, Dorinda tells Ramona she’s over the whole Sonja situation. But just as she’s getting over it, Sonja is heating back up. She’s sent Ramona a novel-length text calling her a b*tch for not sticking up for her, expressing her continued pain from the divorce, and ending it by saying Ramona is a bad friend and an “unfeeling P.O.S.” (!!!)

Well, then. Someone didn’t have her green juice this morning, did she? Dorinda is all eye rolls, standing by the fact that Sonja is stuck in the past. Of course Dorinda doesn’t see that she is doing the same (in some ways). But at least she isn’t sending “textses” to people calling them pieces of sh*t! “Say it, forget it. Write it, regret it,” warns Dorinda, who is apparently working overtime on her new mug line in every episode.

Across town, Tinsley and Carole are setting up for brunch at Topping Rose – complete with place cards. They can’t take a chance on Sonja or Luann befouling their elbow patches. Sonja gets stuck in the naughty girl’s corner again, noting that Dorinda has been placed at the table’s head. Place cards don’t solve the problem of Ramona versus Sonja though, because they get seated directly across from each other: 5150 to P.O.S.

Carole can’t move Ramona now, so Ramona takes matters into her own hands by dragging a chair to the other end of the table and pretending to talk to Tinsley about decorating decisions. Natch! Bethenny notices that Sonja has been left alone, which bizarrely causes Ramona to whimper, “No, I’m fine. I’m fine.” Luann’s like, uh yeah, we’re worried about Sonja, you idiot.

And with that, it’s on! Sonja goes straight into her delusional tangents while everyone tries to bring her back to reality. It’s no use though. Sonja is now in 100% victim mode, believing she’s suddenly become Cersei from Game of Thrones. She’s ready for her walk of shame through Bridgehampton. “Just shave my head and be done with it!” cries Sonja. Holy sh*t – does this make Bethenny Little Finger? Sweet Jesus, I smell some fan fiction. It practically writes itself!

Next week: Ramona and Sonja continue their battle and Luann comes face to face with Tom’s ex, Missy. Uh oh. Palm Beach can’t be too far around the corner from there…prepare yourselves.

Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, Jersey Shore, 90 Day Fiance & more!) – plus a dash of cults. Available on Acast, Stitcher, and iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.

TELL US: ARE DORINDA AND SONJA EQUALLY LIVING IN THE PAST? WILL RAMONA GET OVER SONJA’S TEXT? IS SONJA BEING UNFAIRLY PICKED ON, OR DOES SHE DESERVE ALL OF THE HEAT COMING HER WAY?

Photo Credit: Bravo

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