Real Housewives Of Atlanta Finale Recap: Roach Patrol
April 2, 2018
On last night’s season finale of Real Housewives Of Atlanta it’s as if someone decided to finally give Sheree Whitfield something to do besides accept collect calls from her incarcerated boyfriend. I mean something has to pay for that basement – might as well be Bravo checks instead of wherever ‘Lie-rone’ is collecting his income!
Out of the blue Sheree is incredibly pressed about Porsha Williams supposedly warning Shamea Morton that none of the women can be trusted – including Sheree. Poor Sheree – she’s been carrying everyone’s bones while having Porsha’s back, and is repaid by Porsha dismissing their friendship. Now Sheree has a bone to pick with Porsha – except she’s passive aggressively avoiding her by hiding in her basement staring at the abyss of Moore Manor.
Why would Shamea, Porsha’s so-called BFF, be sharing her text message with Desperee?! Hmmm… We never get an answer to that by the way.
Good thing Porsha is too busy to worry about Sheree’s little issue because she’s got a play to perform! Porsha’s co-star for Two Can Play That Game is Vivica A. Fox – and the last time Vivica worked with a Real Housewife it didn’t go so well… thankfully things are different this time around.
Porsha has been playing the role of “Conny” in shows around the country. For opening night in Atlanta she invited all the women, but the only people who showed up were Kenya Moore and Cynthia Bailey. Now you know Kenya had no interest in supporting Porsha and was only there to scope out Vivica’s plastic surgery and mock her acting. Mission accomplished, but Porsha was thrilled they came anyway, and Kenya got to pretend she did a good deed for those losers in need. Sheree was also supposed to be there, but now that she’s mad at Porsha, she didn’t show up.
Since every season finale must have a big, pointless party and no one wants to come out to celebrate Porsha’s play, the task falls to newbie Eva Marcille. Who isn’t even a cast member, but a ‘friend of…’. Really grasping at straws there Bravo! Eva just moved to ATL and is also celebrating her birthday, so she decides to throw a Halloween party, and has Kandi Burruss act as her invitation consultant. Therefore it becomes Eva’s Birthday Party co-signed by Kandi’s shadiness.
That means Kim Zolciak will be there. Cause of course. But Eva also overrides Kandi by inviting Porsha, who she deems “adorable” and “very nice.” Eva certainly knows a different Porsha than Kandi does!
The next day Eva meets Cynthia and NeNe Leakes at a costume store. Cynthia is usurping Sheree’s only useful role by arriving with a purse full of bones – like the bone that Kandi and Kim have made amends and Kandi doesn’t think Kim is racist. Now NeNe will have to face her nemesis at Eva’s party, so NeNe decides to kill Kim with candy-covered crunch. She will use some Crunch knee socks to step on Kim, I guess? But there’s no way NeNe’s skipping this party to avoid Kim!
Then Sheree has the saddest get together ever: a basement open house. No one even shows up! Except for Cynthia and Kandi, who for as busy as she constantly claims to be, is always available to come to everything. Like literally the opening of a basement for a single woman with adult children who built a game room down there. I mean, Cynthia isn’t doing anything except non-dating Will and sucking NeNe’s peach pit, but isn’t Kandi like about to go on tour and running restaurants and recording studios and making sure Don Juan‘s batteries are charged?
Anyway, Kandi attends the opening of Sheree’s luxury basement emporium where an enormous pile of cookies is laid out, as if a bunch of people were coming over. Kandi wonders what Single Sheree is even doing with such an enormous house – and how on earth she is paying for the SALON she installed in the basement?! The salon where Sheree has materialized masseuses to come and rub Kandi and Cynthia’s shoulders while Sheree stands by, complaining that Porsha doesn’t know how to be a friend. Could Sheree only get a 2:1 deal on massages and that’s why she just awkwardly watched Cynthia and Kandi get them? Maybe Sheree is planning to run a salon out of her basement and rent the space out?
For all her so-called at anger at Porsha, Sheree is uncertain if she wants to confront her.
Kandi prepares to leave for her Xscape tour and demands Todd come with her for the entire thing. Even though he has a restaurant to run in Atlanta, plus Kandi Koated Industries. Does Kandi not trust herself without Todd, or does she not trust Marvin Todd without her?
Finally Eva’s party rolls around and she dresses as Cleopatra, the original black queen. Sheree committed the ultimate faux pas by also arriving as Cleopatra. But who remembered that? Sheree looked more like Cleo-whack-tra, Cleopatra’s illegitimate older sister confined the scullery.
Cynthia transforms herself into 50 Cynt, complete with a C-Unit sideways baseball cap. Everyone is kind of obsessed by how creepily real Cynthia looks. Kenya is turned on, and Porsha is just so hopeful Cynthia will turn into 50 Cent at midnight and sweep her off her feet.
Marlo Hampton comes as BAPS, ironic because oh-so-long-ago, Kenya had a costume party and demanded Porsha dress as BAPS but Porsha refused. Marlo has no such compunction and for authenticity’s sake also brought her own ‘pretend” old, white sugar daddy. Not sure if he’s there as apart of her costume, or if this is her real man and he’s just dressing up in support of her costume? Like was it a case of life imitating art; or art imitating life? Very strange. Also Marlo’s ‘date’ looked like Colonel Sanders.
Porsha and her sister Lauren are corpse brides (zombie brides?) and since 3/4 of this party plans to bury Porsha under the weight of all the drama she keeps inadvertently causing, it’s an appropriate costume. There is literally a hit list of people there waiting to talk to little ol’ Poor Taste: Sheree, Marlo, NeNe… But not Kandi. Still not Kandi – she won’t even grace Porsha with causing drama – although she did give Porsha props for pursuing acting again!
It is NeNe who steals the show by arriving dressed as an exterminator while toting along Gregg in a roach costume. Oh it was glorious, glorious moment as Kim’s plastic mask of a face transformed into an approximation of a silly putty grimace. Oh, Kim and Kroy – the glorious power couple Hef and “Flavor of the month.” No matter how many phases Kim’s face goes through, nothing can erase that same-old stink face!
While Kim wants to drive NeNe to collect cache, NeNe would rather collect checks. And part of that is to checkmate Kim. The shade was not only real, but life-sized and wearing antenna. And OH-SO-AMAZING! Kim had nothing to say when she spotted NeNe, so NeNe’s idea for keeping roaches out of her house totally worked!
Another shocking thing is that Kim attended an event in which Kroy was actually allowed inside instead of waiting in the parking lot like a dog on a leash. Since Kroy doesn’t get out much and isn’t exposed to many people outside of Kim, he seemed shell-shocked. He just stood there in his sad little Hugh Hefner costume, the ghost of a formerly attractive man. And Kroy does get less hot the longer he is exposed to Wigs-n-Cigs.
While Kim stands in a corner pulling faces with Sheree, Porsha wanders over and is shocked to learn that unbeknownst to her, Shamea and Sheree have been talking about her behind her back, and now KimRee is confronting her for being disloyal. Porsha tries to explain that while she was leaving Barcelona, in an emotional state, she privately texted Shamea – her friend – but Sheree and Kim start screaming at her for being a traitor because Sheree has always had Porsha’s back. Porsha’s sister Lauren got involved and lots of arm waving ensued. Lauren is not very good at being a bodyguard, but I guess Porsha has to take what she can get!
Shamea, dressed as a Messy Mermaid, had literally the perfect costume for the deep water she’s been wading in. Seriously – why would she tell Sheree what Porsha said?!
Additionally Sheree is being so strange; she’s been itching from fights all season but then backing down from the fight immediately. Is Sheree afraid of what might be thrown in her face? Those with exposed backyards and barely finished basements shouldn’t throw stones I guess! When Porsha again tried to explain her text, Sheree said she didn’t want to hear it, so Porsha walked away to find NeNe and was immediately accosted by Marlo. Ugh.
Oh Marlo… so desperate; so cloying. Marlo wanted to ‘talk’ about the fight they had in Barcelona, but Porsha is not interested in dissecting how their alter-egos Henny and Vodka got in an argument and Marlo and Porsha can never be put back together again, so she walks away. Marlo starts following, grabbing onto Porsha’s train, calling after her to talk but Porsha just keeps walking and walking in circles, wearing this ridiculous get-up. And that my friends, is sort of the perfect euphemism for Porsha’s experience on RHOA: wandering in circles to avoid drama, and paying so much attention to avoiding the past that you step right in front of new drama.
The new drama is NeNe, who has decided this is the perfect moment for Porsha to stage an impromptu forum where she stands up in front of all these women and announces “I f–cked up,” and apologizes “without buts.” According to NeNe this will officially wipe the slate clean and everyone will finally forgive her. Apparently it is also ALL Porsha’s fault she has drama with not only Kandi, but Sheree and Marlo. Really?
What was Porsha supposed to do exactly – grab the mic from Eva, announcing the winner of the costume party, and in front of everyone drop to her knees and beg forgiveness? Yeah, no.
To Porsha’s immense credit, and I mean this sincerely, she flat-out tells NeNe no, she will not subject herself to this and she has no plans to apologize to people who don’t deserve it. Furthermore I do think Porsha has apologized to Kandi “without buts” sincerely, but Kandi is not ready to accept it. They both seem to be OK with the state of things, so exactly WHY is it any of the other women’s business, and why does Porsha need to admit to everyone that she knows she did something wrong?
Good for Porsha for standing up to the Almighty NeNe, ruler of her own grand delusions. I think this, more than anything, shows Porsha’s personal growth.
Oh, and in case you’re wondering 50 Cynt won the costume party and then announced her retirement as the passage of time means that Cynthia is now 51.
Will The Upcoming RHOA Reunion Be The Most Dramatic One Yet?! Read The Spoilers!
TELL US – WHO HAD THE BEST COSTUME? SHOULD PORSHA HAVE DONE A GROUP APOLOGY? DID SHE BETRAY SHEREE?