Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Bound And Gagged

On last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills people were celebrating all sorts of things and this required lingerie shopping, candles that looked like cupcakes, and wearing giant garbage bags to take naps in. The biggest news, however, was that based upon the strength of her perfect gift-giving, Lisa Vanderpump chose a new court favorite. Teddi Bear Mellencamp Arroyave – you have arrived! Elevated to the premiere spot as Lisa’s mean girl in waiting. Meanwhile it was off with Dorit Kemsley‘s head! Or at least one of her ridiculous hairstyles.

Somehow I think Teddi will learn from Kyle Richards and Dorit, and won’t make the mistake of double-crossing Lisa… Doing all she can to stay in good graces. After all, Teddi is all about accountability and we finally got a glimpse of what that entails. Essentially Teddi is a diet and exercise baby-sitter. Rich people will buy anything!

Now that she’s cancer-free, Camille Grammer has a new body. The vagina of a sixteen-year-old, to be precise, but only part of a cervix. Medically I have no idea what this means, but Camille looks awesome – even if she’s not 100% confident yet. So Camille turns to expert in all things questionably sexy, Lisa Rinna, to go lingerie shopping. Lipsa talks Camille into bunny ears and a whip, then takes the opportunity to strut around the store in her own skimpy lingerie right in front of the windows to the street. Haven’t people in LA seen enough of Lisa Rinna’s lingerie? Most importantly Camille had fun and she got lots of tasty gifts for David. And also a little somethin-somethin for her pal Dorit.

Then the ladies meet at Camille’s house to buy candles for cancer in support of the Women’s Cancer Foundation. If there’s one thing these women can rally behind it’s shopping. And what’s better than shopping for a cause? After some drama about the state of her guest bathroom linens, Camille looks radiant and the party is awash in the glow of spending money. $300 money. On a candle. But it’s for charity!

To make sure their friendship is back on track, Kyle and Erika Girardi had gone to lunch together and both dressed like agreed to dress like one of the Golden Girls. Kyle got Blanche (whom she did not do satin-y harem pant justice), but Erika was channeling Sophia in a blouse with a big giant bow. Kyle is too busy being successful at TV shows to have petty fights and made things right with Dorit and Lisa, so by the time they’re candling for a cause, it’s only LVP Dorit needs to worry about.

Somewhere between the smell of plumeria and candles topped with giant crystal tigers, Dorit decided two things: 1) is that when she drinks she runs her mouth 2) Teddi is responsible for her fight with Lisa because SHE repeated to Kyle everything Dorit had said – but embellished it. Strangely it seems Erika is in agreement with her on both fronts, but in a shocking about-face LVP couldn’t be bothered with Dorit’s excuses. Even worse Teddi refuses to discuss it and be baited by another of Dorit’s useless circular justifications to make herself the injured party. Dorit was itching for a fight, but instead she was summarily dismissed to lick wounds she didn’t know she had.

Dorit spends the entire rest of the night literally chasing LVP, begging her to love her again, and literally harassing her. Oddly, this was her plan; to love Lisa into re-submission. Erika and Kyle watch-on, observing Dorit’s fall from grace with scandalized glee.

Instead poor Lisa got a #MeToo moment as she attempted to leave! Dorit actually climbed on top of her, creepily petted her hair, yet still tried to blame Teddi for all their foible. Dorit was like Golum with the golden ring – and yes, Lisa is very sparkly, but BOUNDARIES lady.

Dorit believed Lisa was leaving the party early to get away from her, but the real reason is that it’s the eve of LVP’s birthday and Ken planned a romantic night. And Ken is the only person Lisa hopes to get some dry humping from! Ooooh-la-la KEN TODD!

Lisa, her claws thus far sheathed, reminded Dorit that she herself had confessed to calling Lisa “jealous” and “insecure” so Lisa is actually mad at Dorit based on Dorit’s own admission of her words, and Teddi has nothing to do with it! Dorit keeps brushing this aside because ‘details-schmetails.’

Dorit is a mess. She looks a mess and she acts one too. Does this woman have short-term memory loss? Traumatic brain injury from too many weird hair treatments? Or maybe every time she changes her hair, she also changes her mind? PK has now assumed control of Dorit’s swimwear collection – maybe he needs to assume control of her mind too? Speaking of, why is PK making decisions for Dorit’s collection? Behind her back he went and changed the name, plus the concept – the whole thing was awful and also cruel, but Dorit just shrugged and went along with it. Doesn’t he have his own Monopoly board company to run?

Dorit blaming Teddi for her fight with Lisa is ridiculous! First of all Dorit said all those things, and there were multiple witnesses – like Camille, who is laying in wait to strike Dorit down as well – and secondly Dorit admitted to LVP not once but TWICE that she had gossiped about her. Attempting to blame Teddi is amateur.

Things turn from bad to worse at LVP’s birthday luncheon the following day. Kevin Lee returns, bringing with him cocktail glasses Lisa purchased from the Camille No Longer Loves Kelsey Liquidation Sale and filled them with cold fish. Lisa starts the party by playing a prank on Dorit where she serves her wine in a giant green tumbler Lisa probably got as a gag souvenir, either that or it’s something from Max’s college apartment. Dorit laughs it off while sipping back the bile of understanding that she’s made an irrevocable mistake in double-crossing LVP. Did she not observe the turn of Yolanda Hadid Foster Hadid? Did she not see how that munched out? Oh, Dorit – RESEARCH is everything.

Everyone has brought Lisa sparkling gifts but none so perfect as the pink, fuzzy bareback saddle with rhinestone buckles Teddi has given. Lisa drools with glee and delight, and immediately christens her new no. 1 sycophant “Teddi Bear.” Kyle is late to the party, but when she gets wind of this she will laugh deeply and throatily because Dorit was the new Kyle, but now Teddi is the new Dorit, while Kyle remains, finally, the old favorite who still must do the occasional groveling.

Teddi’s gift eclipsed all others until Camille pulled out a little ‘bonus gift’ revenge for Dorit. A ball gag. Dorit was surprised and also embarrassed. Everyone else laughs hysterically, but Dorit is visibly hurt and offended. She also attempts to chastise Camille for refusing to let go of the harmless joke she made a few months back. Camille merely shrugs because if the shoe fits… I love shady Camille. She is so perfection.

Erika, recalling panty-gate and her own season’s-long embarrassment, is disappointed by Dorit’s hypocrisy. Didn’t Dorit implore Erika to just stop taking herself so seriously? The reversal of fate displayed at the party leaves Dorit feeling wounded and alone. PK warns her to let it go, to bite her tongue and just ride it out instead of causing a scene at Lisa’s party, but Dorit cannot contain herself. Finally as Lisa, again, gushes over Teddi, her nemesis, and basically announces that Dorit deserves to be punished, Dorit stands up and leaves the table, deciding she’s “celebrated enough.”

Lisa, knowing full-well, that her intentional punishing, done with painful little scratches and nips, is the reason Dorit is storming out of the party, but she follows her out to figure out what’s wrong? How ironic that just weeks ago, Dorit was viciously complaining that Lisa was self-absorbed for leaving dinner abruptly, but now here is Dorit doing the same thing! Somehow I think Dorit will try to blame all this on Teddi too…

Dorit– if you can’t take the heat, get out of Lisa’s friend group, apparently. Or at least have another Pumptini until you can calm down enough to joke about the ballgag and convince Teddi to wear it!

TELL US – IS DORIT BEING OVER-SENSITIVE OR IS EVERYONE GANGING UP ON HER?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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