Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: A Bloody Mess At The Beach

‘Money Can’t Buy You Class’ – that’s certainly the case with Erika Girardi and Dorit Kemsley. There are some Real Housewives friendships I relish and delight in, and there are others, like these two, that fill you with a certain disingenuous dread (think Gretchen and Tamra). On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, Dorit crossed one friend to try and secure another. And the worst part – despite copious warnings, she seemed oblivious! Like when the signs read: “Don’t swim! Shark invested waters” yet you you dive right in.

Actually the worst part is that after all the bickering between herself, Lisa Vanderpump, and Kyle Richards they all managed to have a rip-roaring, super wedgie-tastic, twerking good time getting drunk and silly at Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s beach house. It was the perfect way to bond these girls and put all the bad blood behind them, then DORIT ruined it all! Dorit and her mouth. Can someone stuff a designer sock in it? PeeeeeeeKaaaaaay?

Backing up for a second, Erika is the first woman on earth to ever have her period on vacation. So, after chilling at Teddi’s for a while, she decided to go spend the night in a hotel. To me it seems like she just didn’t want to hang out and was using her period as an excuse, but it honestly doesn’t matter. What does matter is how poorly she handled her departure. Granted we didn’t see every scene, but it appears that at no time did Erika simply take Teddi aside to explain the situation and why she just didn’t feel up to partying and wanted to go to bed. We’ve all been there. Instead Erika simply bailed! Ugh – how boring! At least LVP knows how to do a proper dramatic exit! Erika kinda of whimpered into the night. To the Doubletree, no less.

Naturally, at about 2:30 am, everyone drunkenly complains Erika’s disappearance. They all agreed it was “weird” (or “odd”), and also a little obnoxious. “Weird” will become a big word here. Huge. You would be absolutely shocked by what a big deal the entire thing actually becomes (oh wait, this is RHOBH, so no – you wouldn’t), because in reality, it was like Kyle said: women discuss things, round-circle. They weren’t talking shit, just talking through the incident. At no point should someone have run and TOLD Erika, thus making it seem as if everyone was bashing her behind her back. Ahem, Dorit (who needs to stuff some Doritos in her mouth-o and shut-up-o.)

When Erika returns the next morning the ladies are working out. Well, Kyle, Teddi and Camille Grammer were working out, while LVP pranced like the unicorn amongst ponies she is; gently lifting her knees to allow her boobs to bob in just the most enticing way for the sexy trainer. And where was Dorit? Laying in wait to inform Erika that her friends were mad that she left. Specifically Erika’s close friend Kyle, and Teddi (whom Dorit dislikes, of course). Wasn’t Dorit earlier throwing LVP under the bus because she’s become “SO CLOSE” to Kyle? Now she’s throwing Kyle under the bus to cosy up to her icon, Erika Jayne Empire Of Confusion?

Its almost like Dorit planned to skip exercising to create this moment alone with Erika. Dorit insisted she was doing this altruistically, to avoid discord with Erika after last season’s issues. Oh puh-leaze! Instead she ended up upsetting literally all her ‘friends.’

Erika immediately confronts Kyle and Teddi about what they said. Kyle shrugs that yeah they discussed it because they were disappointed she left. Teddi admits she thought it was “weird” to pick a room, get all set up, then bail mid-way through the party with no explanation. It is entirely weird. Erika is weird. For instance instead of handling Teddi’s obviously bruised feelings with social niceties and sharing how bad she was feeling, Erika reacted by becoming defensive, rude, and snippy. Then stomps her feet that she’s embarrassed so everyone needs to leave he alone while she sulks into this piece of watermelon. After all that, Teddi tries to reassure Erika that she’s not mad or upset, she was just confused, but Erika brushes her aside, brusquely, and they both end up crying.

Weird was probably the wrong word choice, but c’mon – it was, in fact, WEIRD.

Also Teddi doesn’t understand why she is the one being accused of talking about Erika when they all did it. Including, according to the flashbacks, DORIT! Um, because Dorit doesn’t like her? Dorit is the type of person who believes no one can tell that her ass is out. She thinks people don’t notice how she’s not as rich and fabulous as she pretends to be. Which is why Camille is the hero of this episode. Camille has been down these streets; she has risen from MTV dance girl to A-lister’s wife, facing plenty of scorn and criticism. She came out the other other end of a messy, public divorce with an enormous settlement and proof that she has power in her own right, but through it all she never lost her moves – dancing and otherwise!

Like the viper with perfect veneers, slithering mostly undetected until the perfect moment, is Camille. Camille, in front of everyone, calls Dorit out by for what she is, a “trouble maker” and wonders what exactly Dorit had to gain by “being a tattletale” to Erika. Which is perfectly fitting for this immature and juvenile behavior of 7th graders at a slumber party. It would’ve been more fun to put Kyle’s undies in the freezer! Camille also pointed out – to Dorit’s face – that she says outlandish things for attention! Things she shouldn’t say at all, in fact, and Dorit had no defense.

Why is there always so much drama about whatever Erika has going on ‘down there’? Last season it was her panties, and now we’re talking about what ‘menstrual flow gate’! Yuck! I understand that Erika was embarrassed to have such a heavy period, but as LVP pointed out, Teddi was also uncomfortable entertaining, and Erika kind of played into those insecurities by being evasive and rude.

Is anyone else liking Teddi more and more, though? I really appreciate that she’s honest and just puts it out there. Instead of prolonging this drama, she immediately tells Erika how she feels, then tries to make it right. When that fails she declares the party over. Thanks Dorit! At least Erika hugged Teddi goodbye and apologized, but the awkwardness remains. Teddi is hurt, Erika is pissed, and everyone leaves in a bad mood.

Poor Kyle gets stuck riding home with Dorit and has to listen to Dorit lie about her reasons for telling Erika. Dorit supposedly confessed to be transparent with Erika, but it’s obvious to Kyle that Dorit isn’t being entirely honest with her. Like Dorit insisting she didn’t specifically mention Kyle as talking shit. Kyle resigns herself to the fact that this will all become a big deal. Maybe not tomorrow, or next week, but sometime in the future – like a menstrual cycle, it will return: gory, messy, and full of recriminations and cramped feelings. Why, DORIT, WHY?!

Back in LA, the ladies are immediately traveling to NYC for fashion week. Dorit is also hosting a party to celebrate her cover for Bella Magazine, and Lisa Rinna is officially moving Delilah out of the nest. Delilah cannot wait to go, while Amelia wants to cling to mommy for a little while longer. Or at least to mommy’s purse strings!

Comparing Lipsa’s first apartment to Delilah’s is a hoot. Lipsa had roaches, brown shag carpet and hand me down-hand me downs (and also a boyfriend named Bob). Delilah has none of those things. She has Jonathan Adler and the Upper East Side. But I bet Lipsa had a plunger! Delilah was forced to unclog her toilet using a toilet brush. Gross, and well, at least she did it! Good for you for inheriting mommy’s hustle! Seriously – is there nothing the Rinnas will not reveal on national television? #RhetoicalQuestion #Rinnavation

Meanwhile Erika has a rare sighting of Tom Girardi. Sitting the kitchen, working, she thought she was having a nightmare, but there he was in the flesh and she actually had to talk to him. They take a few minutes to sell us on the wonders and powers of each other’s amazing careers, then Erika flees to her closet into the waiting arms of Mikey warped in Gucci sweatsuits. Can she STOP WEARING SWEATSUITS ALREADY?.

The packing scenes are always my favorite. Seeing the women rifle through their closets — or in Teddi’s case Kyle’s store — pulling out designer item after designer item. Realizing she can’t wear legging and cut to the cooch rompers to Fashion Week Teddi enlists the unlikely help of KYLE to cloth her. I perish the thought…She hates spending money so much that in a Housewives first she calls her husband so he can convince her to shop! This is quite a sweet coup for Kyle, she gets free advertising plus all her friends money (and even some of her own like when she ‘bought’ $2,400 earrings from her own boutique.)

When they arrive in NYC, Kyle and LVP immediately take off to visit Kyle By Kaftans Only – East Koast Version, where they contentedly browse and giggle, but don’t gossip. Actually Kyle looked remarkably cute in her NYC shopping outfit, and even more so once LVP mussed her hair. Wanting to continue avoiding the gossip and drama, they sneak off to Bergdorff’s instead of meeting the rest of the ladies for lunch. LVP just wanted to take her new pink purse out for a stroll, but really who wants to rehash the same old haggy drama and listen to more of Dorit’s tales? NOT. ME.

But there she goes again… she’s a friend eater! Dorit cannot keep her mouth closed! No wonder she’s so thin – she never takes a break from talking to actually eat! Dorit and Erika cozily fill Lipsa in on all the drama that has occurred while she was off dying of heat stroke for her acting craft, and to bring beautiful artistry to the people. There was all the trouble with LVP storming out of the restaurant (accurately described as “very Alexis Carrington” from Dynasty) when all Dorit was trying to do was console her “very good friend Kyle,” whom she loves unabashedly with all her silicone parts (a friend that about 2 seconds later she will pin-point as the culprit in talking shit about Erika).

Then there was Dorit’s revelation that LVP is jealous, or perhaps insecure and feeling insignificant, because of Kyle’s friendship with her. So, here we are right back to season one’s troublesome words! Except this time Camille is present for their uttering and so too are the cameras. Next Dorit rambles about the bloody mess she made of things at Teddi’s beach house, and Erika defensively refers to herself in third person – or maybe she was talking about her alter-ego – to defend her weird actions. Teddi just say there, uncomfortably, as Dorit and Erika talk about her like she’s not there, and Dorit once again lies about Kyle.

Finally Dorit shares how LVP has confided to her that she sometimes feels Dorit ditches her for other friends and ignores her in a group because she’s so busy focusing on others.

But you know who might as well not have been there? Lipsa! For once she was quiet as a church mouse. For once she just listened. Seizing the opportunity to let someone else’s extra-large mouth get them into trouble. Lipsa has figured out that Dorit likes to talk even more than she does. And say a lot of crazy things, but this time, this season – Dorit will be the one to pay the price for her actions!

Thankfully Camille was also there recording every word in her minuscule recorder. OK, she probably wasn’t, but I wish!

I thought I was going to love Dorit and Erika as friends, but I don’t like this ‘alliance’ at the expense of other friendships. It’s IS a weird situation happening here. Maybe Dorit wants to separate herself from the clutches of Kyle and LVP – where she is dwarfed, and is doing so by letting Erika use her? And Erika seems overjoyed by this prospect. Far from her comments that LVP is competitive for friendships, it seems like ERIKA relishes being the one all the other women fight over. LVP never will, though, she’ll just pet her puppies and her purses and go home to Ken, who always wants to spend time with her!

Erika Talks Her Friendship With Dorit; Is Glad They Got To Start Over And Connect!

TELL US – WAS ERIKA BEING WEIRD, OR WERE THE OTHER WOMEN INSENSITIVE? IS DORIT A TROUBLE-MAKER?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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