Vanderpump Rules Recap: Sometimes Pasta Is Just Pasta

There is nothing worse than a professional reality star. You know what I’m talking about, because nearly every person on Vanderpump Rules now occupies that position. They fakely (yes I know that’s a fake word) work at SUR, they’re fakely are friends with each other, and they fakely pretend to care about causing drama in each other’s lives.

To point: last night’s episode was an amazing pile-up of so many [mostly fake] car crashes, I don’t even know where to begin, middle, and end.

The only two interesting things that happened were Scheana Marie going on a hunger strike until Merriam-Websters changes the definition of “perfect” to include a photo of her and Rob Valetta, and James Kennedy having a full-fledged meltdown about the supposed double-entendre of “ate her pasta.”

But, seriously you guys, this show is pasta. Overdone pasta. It’s not even comfort food anymore, it’s like ‘f–k, I have nothing else to eat for dinner and I’m starving but lazy, so I guess I’ll make some cheap noodles with that jar of sauce that’s been in my pantry since before Scheana’s years-long extension use turned her hair into a dried noodles.’ It’s like angel hair hair, except obviously not because Scheana is no angelic innocent!

Actually the other high point was Reiki. This why I love Peter. His hair may not woo me anymore, but when he does appear he brings something special to the table, and apparently also spiritual awareness for the un-adulted male mind. The reiki instructor was a kindergarten teacher for emotions. A bubbly, sometimes F-bomb dropping, attractive woman named Kelsey who chanted at them gently to become grown men. She did this in leggings and their arrested spiritual underdevelopment was rapt.

Kelsey actually made Jax Taylor cry when she got him in touch with the feelings attached to the angry Demi-god living inside his penis who always leads him astray (and to stray.) To Kelsey, Jax wept over how much he loves Brittany Cartwright, but then Kelsey’s toned inner-aura also made Jax imagine how amazing it would be to get Kelsey into some essential oil scented sheets and let her really feel his chakras. Lots of deep breathing necessary!

About 15 minutes after Tom Schwartz left reiki he had an epiphany. He could still get drunk, but he couldn’t get THAT drunk. He can still follow Katie Maloney‘s marriage rules about no boys nights and boozing, but not… So when Tom 2 passed out that night it was on Tom Sandoval‘s sofa. The sofa with semen-filled cracks in the cushions, or a new one? To prove that Tom 2 is goodness, Tom 1 texted Katie a photo of this sleeping arrangement. She was overjoyed. Which is the saddest thing ever.

If you are one year into your marriage and you’re already making non-sequiturs to your man about how far he’s allowed to push the envelope of potential betrayal, mistrust, and immaturity, than this shit is more doomed than James‘ DJ gig at SUR.

Katie considers Tom sleeping it off on Tom’s sofa proof that he really, really loves her and takes marriage seriously. The next morning after he rode home on Jax’s motorized cooler walked of shame home, they had a really deep conversation about their future. Tom believes that Katie not freaking out that he got wasted (again) even AFTER he cheated (again), made him fall in love with her again.

Katie, you are pathetic. I am married so here is some advice: if your husband is constantly drunk, he’s not happily married. If your husband would rather sleep on Tom 1‘s sofa, he’s not happily married. If your husband motorboating you on TV is the most action you’ve had in weeks, and the motorboating is mostly because he dreams of doing a shot you’d condone, he’s not happily married. Also if you have to constantly question and doubt your husband, you’re not happily married. I blame Katie’s wedding dress – a confusing concoction of masking tape and cheesecloth, which did not behoove a happy marriage. I mean, look at Scheana too! She wore half a dress and got a half-baked marriage (with a totally baked husband). The other moral of this story is do not date anyone on Vanderpump Rules, and certainly don’t marry them. Raquel Leviss and Rob Valetta are about to learn this lesson the hard way. Rob is clearly smarter than Raquel.

If there’s someone more pathetic than Katie, it’s actually Kristen and Stassi Brittany Tom 2 Scheana. I’ve accepted that the only thing Scheana cares about is herself and how people perceive her. I imagine Scheana’s worldview is like looking through a kaleidoscope and just seeing thousands of tiny multiplied images of Scheana, all crowding on top of each other.

Part of this obsessive selfishness is Scheana maintaining a mask of perfect romantic happiness – even when that mask has no face inside it. For days she stomps around insisting non-stop that Rob would never cheat, but because of Katie’s STUPID UNTRUE MALICIOUS MALEVOLENT rumors Rob is now distant from her. Apparently he is too successful, amazing, and smart to be besmirched by their trashy, bored-person drama. That part might be true, actually.

All the while Scheana also whines about how she doesn’t want to talk about this fake rumor and demands to know why people won’t stop talking about it. Even Brittany, whose brain is made of beer cheese, wonders why Scheana doesn’t ignore it if she ‘doesn’t believe.’ (Pssst, Brittany: it’s cause Scheana knows deep down it IS true, and she hates that Katie exposed her Robsession for what it is, not the perfect union she’s made up in her own Fried Goat Cheese Ball brain).

Scheana is so busy talking about how PERFECT she and Rob were until Katie ruined it, she doesn’t have time to put food in her mouth.

And for someone who is claiming to be the happiest she’s ever been, Scheana is looking, um… very wrung out. People are starting to worry that Scheana’s obsession with pleasing Rob, making Rob happy, and selling this narrative that they’re ‘THE MOST HAPPY’ (Which was also Anne Boleyn’s motto when she married King Henry VIII, so look how that turned out), is ruining her health.

The only thing that probably stops Scheana from installing that “tracker” suggested by Kristen Doute is that A) Rob’s shit is likely Scheana-proof, since he’s smart and all, and he doesn’t need a PumpRules paycheck; and B) Scheana’s hubris refuses to allow her to consider the truth: Rob probably did and does make out with other people. Also, if your boyfriend won’t make out with you – your relationship is NOT PERFECT.

Among the gems from Scheana’s mouth: “When Rob is happy, I’m happy.” “We haven’t had sex in like a week and I know he’s pulling away from me because of these rumors.” “We were perfect – why are they trying to ruin it.” ME-ME-MEana!

For days Scheana has been listening for the sonar waves of Rob’s footsteps like a Green Beret (GREEN IS NOT A PRIMARY COLOR) in combat. When he finally appears for PRIDE, she breaks open like an egg and all this hello goopy happy comes spilling out. Rob advises Scheana to not concern herself with other people. She takes this to heart as she goes around gushing, “Now that Rob’s here I got my smile back.”

Even Lisa Vanderpump cannot handle how pathetic Scheana is, and reminds her that last year she was calling her marriage to Shay “so happy” but now she’s glued herself to Rob and is redefining her entire self-worth around his opinions.

Scheana hasn’t been able to eat for days under the weight of Rob’s ‘opinions,’ but once Lisa hand-delivers a sandwich and french fries, Scheana suddenly has an appetite again! Oh my! So, Scheana is hungry for attention? You don’t say… Lisa actually stole Katie’s sandwich to feed Scheana, which was the best unintentional irony of the episode.

While Scheana is starving herself until her perfect returns, James cannot stop the words flying out of his mouth. Nor can he stop the alcohol flowing into his mouth. The two are interconnected obviously. James and Lala Kent go for a boozy BBQ lunch with Logan, James’s, fraternal life partner. After James has about 6 shots in 3 minutes he imagines Lala is covertly talking shit about Raquel when she mentions that they shared pasta during his See You Next Tuesday gig.

James thinks Logan and Lala don’t like Raquel and are secretly trying to undermine his relationship with the “sexy brunette supermodel.” Apparently Lala is jealous because she has to sleep with a “fat man to pay her rent.” I think someone has been hanging out with Scheana and listening to her vituperative ideology about people destroying their PERFECT LOVES.

James screams this and so much more. In a restaurant. At Lala. Who may or may not have been implying something with the pasta comment, but STILL handle your shit like a person, not a rabid dog. I don’t believe Lala and Logan like Raquel. She a vapid wallflower with dead eyes. And I do believe Logan and Lala have an inside joke about Raquel and her pasta, but James, really dude?

Lala leaves. Thankfully. James follows her outside to apologize but Lala is not having that either. On the curb she punches him while making the point that he turned pasta into so much more than it needed to be (like a wannabe home chef with a blog), then started talking shit about her man for no reason. But guys, James says: “IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PASTA!” It is not. never. ever. about the pasta. Except when it is, literally, about the pasta. I do think it’s about Raquel being a wet noodle, though. And Lala likes her noodles big, firm, and well-connected. She did not accept James’ apology, but she did tattle on him to Lisa the next day. As she should have.

What Lala is pissed about, and what she tells James, is that she is his good friend, but if he keeps treating her this way, she won’t stay his friend. And he needs friends. Clearly. And NO ONE deserves to be screamed at in a restaurant about Pasta/Not Pasta.

It’s like James has a limit to how many times he can get drunk while being fun. Like his body has a punch card – 6 drunken fun nights, get a shitshow for the 7th!

The next day at Pride, normal sane James is back. He’s in great spirits goofing off with Jax and really, REALLY getting goofy with Logan. Like touchy-feely I love you; do you love me, let’s smoosh, but not… Raquel is literally stuck (silently) in between these two kooks like baloney between white bread. Now the boys of Pump Rules are fluid with their friendships and versions of masculine behavior, something I’ve always loved about this show, but James and Logan’s hours-long semi-make-out constant touching fest is a little odd.

Raquel is clearly bothered. Jax is intrigued. Interesting timing, though, to be questioning James’s sexuality during Pride, a day about NOT judging people’s sexuality and preferences.

At least James sincerely apologized to Lala for the way he behaved and the things he said. In return she put him on friendship probation. This is what I like about James, he can admit he’s wrong and truly mean it. He knows he f–ked up, and his apology was genuine. And what I really appreciate about Lala, is that she doesn’t put up with crap and is direct about it. I hope these two stay friends a long time!

The last bit of news is that Brittany’s mama Sherri arrives for a surprise visit, and she’s had a whole new makeover at the Clinque counter!

Kristen and Stassi desperately want Brittany to break up with Jax (and for once their advice is valid), and because they have nothing better to do with their non-jobbing selves, Kristen flew Sherri to LA. The plan is for Sherri to talk some sense into Brittany about how Jax will never change and will ultimately just break her heart. All that’s true, but I don’t think Big Mama Beer Cheese (Kentucky Fried Fun Sr.) is gonna be doin’ much sense-talkin’! Do you?

Are Brittany & Jax Secretly Married – Why Is Jax Wearing A Wedding Ring?

TELL US – DOES SCHEANA NEED HELP? WILL SHERRI TALK SOME SENSE INTO BRITTANY? SHOULD LALA HAVE ACCEPTED JAMES’ APOLOGY?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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