Chris Martin Is Dating Dakota Johnson, Okaayyyy

December 13, 2017

| December 13, 2017 – 1:02 pm

*EXCLUSIVE* Dakota Johnson shows off her post workout body while out with a male friend

Although Coldplay’s Chris Martin will never be able to escape hanging out with his ex — snake oil and vagina crystal sales queen Gwyneth Paltrow — on account of the two tiny humans they made, he’s apparently moved on to a much younger, probably saner relationship with Dakota Johnson. I guess they’ve been low-key dating for a few months now, which leads me to believe that she hasn’t been dragged to one of those GOOP brunch sessions where they feed you $60 candy bars and tell you that you’d be a lot happier if you weren’t fat. As soon as she gets roped into one of those I could see her heading for the hills. That or Gwyneth kills her cat with vooGoop, whichever comes first.

US Weekly has confirmed that the two have been a pair for at least a month because they had dinner with Nick Cave in Israel or something and Chris sends her shitty Coldplay demos he’s working on. Ah, l’amour est la poésie des sens.

“Dakota and Chris are definitely dating,” the source tells Us Weekly. “They’ve gotten to know each other really well and are very comfortable [with] one another. Chris sends Dakota his music to get her opinion. It’s more than just a fling.” The 50 Shades of Grey star, 28, and Coldplay frontman, 40, were spotted together at Nick Cave’s concert in Israel last month. The pair was also seen having dinner with the singer at Yam Sheva restaurant in Herzliya.“

They came in and they were really, really nice, like extremely nice. It was a surprise,” an eyewitness told Us about the duo. “They sat with Nick Cave too. I didn’t see them kiss or hold hands or anything like that. They ordered some starters and not a lot of food.” (from US Weekly)

According to this snitch, if you share apps with Nick Cave you’re officially dating. I actually believe it because what else would two single, attractive people be doing in Israel together other than having tantric sex as Palestinians riot outside their hotel. The only weird part is the Nick Cave thing… It just seems like kind of a buzzkill to spend one of your first dates hanging out with Edgar Allen Poe reincarnate.

Chris: “Nick, this is Dakota, my new girlfriend. She was in 50 Shades of Grey.”
NC: “Grey is the color of despair. Have either of you witnessed a soul leave a body?”
Dakota: “Umm… The scallops look good, are you allergic to shellfish?”

**Nick Cave busts out a candle and lights it on the table**
NC: “I’ll eat anything that’s dead…”

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